…i re-read my last journal post: 13 days ago.
“I want to write blank pages of abstract, complex thought. As if my third eye had a lazer beam and imprinted the pages with all that came through.
I want to write profoundly.
I want to put together the puzzle pieces of thought patterns that are actually from the heart.
like something about people treating people this and that but i guess thats just my mirror, how have i been treating others disposably? aren’t i doing the same when i fuck someone off because they don’t meet my needs?
My needs are too needy.
too loud for my soul to penetrate and be heard.
i’m up and down these days with little to make sense of the loss that i feel
and the cage i trap myself in believing
that we lose people
no one is ever lost
i only loose myself in the wells of despair when the raven picks at the guts of an animal squashed by the vehicle of life moving forward
here i am in growth
why glue my feet to one place i know did not serve me?
only i feel the truth of my love
when do i stop projecting my capacity to love onto other people?
when do i start meeting my needs?
when do i prey on my desire and hunt out my dreams?
I am deserving for expansion
empowering myself to the point of no return
again and again
where do i mislead myself in my response to the world?
where is my strength when i am triggered?
this experience has unlocked all this feeling, has reinstated the pain i felt as a child.
it is my choice to respond with strength, my choice to change the patterns of shut down, my choice to walk with my power, hand in hand with the creators power too.
look how i have inspired
look how i support
look how i listen
see my wisdom
and show up for me especially in difficult times
in the darkness i better know myself
the pains in my body
stabs of the heart
the closing of my throat
and i feel like i simply couldn’t sing anymore
for all the times my eyes shut to the truth
turned my head
into my breasts
colliding with sorrow.
its from here that i encourage myself that i must move forward
wade through the ice barren slopes
allow myself to slip
only to climb back again
the exercise does me well
for those small, indefinite accomplishments
tend to the growing pains
the only way through is
to be fully inservice to faith
to the way the sky paints colour by fusing with the light ways of the sun
in my solitude i am nothing
i realise this more now…
years ago an old friend wrote me a little goodbye note
thanking me for her existence
i exist because you see me
this all exists because i see it
and in the way my eyes bring shapes
and colours and depth
to you gazing into them
so too am i magnified in wondrous sight
to whom i gaze upon
this is the magnificence
this is the heavens
carried by the honeybee
to its queen.”